How exactly is it supposed to be?

I sat down on the floor in the kitchen and the tears started to flow. “Why?” I asked out loud. “Why does this have to be so hard? This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be.”

And it’s not, it’s not the way that it’s supposed to be… it being our current situation, which, after 6 years is getting a little old. I’m not supposed to be raising my children on my own, but yet, here I am, a single mother, with no hope of that changing on the horizon.

Today’s tears were sparked by probably the biggest mommy mistake I’ve made in the last 10 years. I overslept and forgot to get up and wish my son a happy birthday. He just walked out of here, obviously upset, to catch the bus. When I realized the error of my ways I tried to dash out of bed, but it was too late. He was gone.

Why can’t I be married to a wonderful man? One that takes an active interest in the kids, one that takes an active interest in me? Why can’t I find that man who will complete us as a family but more importantly, someone who will be here to give me a break?

And I have to tell you… if one more person comes up to me and asks me how I do it, I think I’ll rip their arm off and beat them with it. I do it because I have to; because I don’t have a choice in the matter. That’s all that motivates me. Those children motivate me.

Despite that motivation, I still falter. And today was a huge fall.

I’m tired. I’m oh so very tired. Between working a full time job and running a business part time to make ends meet, I’m functioning on very little energy.

I’m tired of working late to make money, or clean the house (that never really stays clean.) I’m tired of the mountains of laundry, the dishes that always seem to appear in the sink, just minutes after I’ve finished washing them.

I’m tired of trying to switch back and forth between the nurturer and the disciplinarian. I’m tired of wondering which battles I should enter and which ones I should let slide.

But more than anything, I’m tired of walking out into any situation in life and seeing the oh-so-perfect family. The husband who has a good job and supports the kids. The one that works all day and then comes home and goes to play catch in the yard with his son and who spends weekends working on the family home.

I’m tired of witnessing the mothers that are able to stay at home with their children; tired of seeing them out and about at the grocery store or at the park, having just arrived in their SUV or Minivan.

I’m tired of feeling pangs of jealously every time I see a family composed of mom, dad, and rugrats when I’m dining out or on the rare occasion that I’m able to take my children to the movies.

But more than all of that, I’m tired of feeling like others are judging me. To someone on the outside looking in, I fear that they see a mother who doesn’t have her act together; a mother that is barely hanging on; a mother that doesn’t do everything for her children.

Is my house immaculate? Far from it. Is my lawn in pristine condition? Far from it.

Are my children clean, fed, and loved? Absolutely.

In the grand scheme of life, I think I’m doing a pretty good job raising two kids with no assistance. Is it the way that it’s supposed to be? If I dwell on it long enough, I can come to the conclusion that yes, this is the way that it’s supposed to be.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11). This is what it all comes down to. God knows exactly where I’m supposed to be. He knows what is best for me right now and this is it. So I will serve Him. Because I know that this is in His plan.

And somehow, that takes all the jealousy, anger, hated, and sorrow that I feel for my current situation away. It makes me realize that those families, the salt to be rubbed into my wounds, aren’t perfect either. It calms me.

At least until I stumble again.

Until next time…

Heather

PS. I wrote this for the writing workshop that I'm participating in over at The Other Mother

PPS. I am thankful for the comfort I have in knowing that God has a plan for me and that everything is all going to work out the way that it's supposed to, regardless of how I feel or what I think.