On NOT Being a Mother…

There was a time that when I decided I wanted to go to bed, I would simply fall in the bed. I didn’t have to worry about lunches being packed, 5,000 Legos being picked up so that you could again walk through the living room without killing your feet, or ensure that all permission slips were signed and ready to return the next morning. Of course, those were also that times that my days extended well into the wee hours of the morning, large amounts of alcohol were consumed, and cabs were always the preference in getting home.

No, there was no need to make sure the car seats were buckled in the right way, no wondering if all of the kids were in, buckled and their doors shut before pulling out of the driveway.

Shopping was enjoyable as no one demanded any of my money for a toy, and no tantrums ensued as the result of saying no. I could watch what I wanted on the television and never had to sit through an episode of Hannah Montana, SpongeBob, or Pokemon. Shoot, I didn’t even know what Pokemon was, and I was okay with that.

The worries were only that of whether I had enough money after my long week of waiting tables, to see the latest hot band in concert with drinks afterwards, or who I would allow to take me out that weekend and whether or not he would ask me out again.

There were no thoughts of who has practice, what time does she need to be picked up, and why on earth didn’t you start your home work earlier?

Oh, how I loved the days when I could finish my shift, come home, debrobe in the foyer and prance around my house in what ever I so desired. I didn’t have to worry about who had clean socks and underwear. I didn’t have to search for what seemed like hours to find a shoe, or shin guards, or mouthpieces.

I didn’t have to pump up tires for a parade around the neighborhood. There were no snotty noses to wipe, tears to dry, and I didn’t have to deal with all night puke fests, unless they were my own fault; nor did I have to worry about bandaging cuts and scrapes.

There were no elbows and knees shoved into my side through out the night. My sleep went uninterrupted and I could take up the whole thing if I so desired.

The tales that I listened to did not involve who pushed who on the playground. I didn’t worry about bad grades, raising them before the next report period, studying more or rewards for good behavior.

Of course, there were no hugs and kisses for no reason. There were no “I love yous” with out demanding something in return.

It was just me, on my own terms, not having to worry about anyone, but myself.

And it was empty.

Yes, there was a time that I wasn’t a mother. There was a time that I didn’t want little snotty nose things clinging to me.

But Someone else knew that they would eventually be the ones to save my life.

Until next time…