I have more BlogHer posts up my sleeve… or rather, in my brain, but today, I was reminded that life is not about BlogHer.
It’s not about the blogging.
It’s not about the internet.
And if I don’t make it to respond to the 200 people I want to drop notes to, it will be okay. If I don’t follow up with the brands that I met…that’s okay…
If I don’t show you the picture of me in the feather boa making a duck face or the picture of me with the Steve Harvey mustache… that’s okay.
You see, today, a gentleman from my church (my church “dad” if you will) came in to the office to chat for a bit. This isn’t uncommon as he lives next door and he often drops by daily.
He’s a man of God, but he’s got a silly side and a twisted sense of humor just like I do.
And I know that he will provide for me what I need…whether that be a pep talk (like he did the Friday before I presented the sermon) or a laugh (which is pretty much every day.) Some days, he even brings a treat.
Today, as he was getting ready to leave my office, he asked for my keys so that he could clean my wheels and vacuum out my car.
“Well, you can’t vacuum it out,” I said. ”There’s too much crap in there.”
“I’ll clean it out,” he said. He’s also a man that doesn’t take no for an answer.
In a split second, suddenly I was ashamed of my car and the filth within. There were poptarts (unopened, but poptarts nevertheless) left over from our car trip to the amusement part last week.
There were shoes and clothes where the kids had changed on the way from the pool.
There was an empty Hardees cup from this morning that Thing 1 left in there after his prayer meeting.
The car looked like it had been lived in, and, because I’ve been gone 15 of the last 21 days, in a way, it has.
Cleaning out my car had not been, and if I’m honest, is not normally a priority.
Getting after the Things to take their crap in the house when we get home is something that I don’t do because, quite frankly, it’s not a hill I’m willing to die on. I say, “get your crap,” but I never follow through or demand that they clean it out.
But here was a man who wanted to do something nice for me and I was ashamed.
I let him take my car. I know that he wanted to bless me by cleaning the car, and trust me! It was a blessing… but I couldn’t help but feel exposed…
Exposed that I don’t have it all together.
So often I hear, “I don’t know how you do it all…” or “How do you possibly get everything done?” and the reality is…
Things get left undone because prioritization happens… and sometimes those priorities aren’t exactly in line with where they should be.
But, in the grand scheme of life, the car just wasn’t important to me… it fell behind cooking, and work, and the kids, and…
This life that I’ve been sucked in to…the life of on the run and on the go.. and it’s not just blogging and blogging conferences, but it’s been trips with the family, trips with the kids, trips with work…friends here… family there… I’ve just been run. run. run. run.
This life that if there were a link up to expose the insides of your car, I probably would’ve GLADLY played along… as part of this community to show the rest of the moms out there that they aren’t the only one with broken speakers still in the back of the car three weeks after her husband replaced them.
Why do I feel it okay to expose my flaws online but it’s not in real life?
Why did I feel that I would be judged by a fellow church member, but I think the internet, and the blogging community would accept me, dirty car and all?
It was then that I realized that I’m not where I’m supposed to be. It’s okay to be one big, hot mess… it’s okay to let people know that…
it’s okay to be human.
I know this. I tell other women this ALL.THE.TIME.
I had a huge discussion about it with one of my roomies this weekend in which I told her that I thought she had it all together from reading her blog but seeing her, one big, hot, mess… (and I say that with love… and did so to her face) made me love her all the more…
In my heart of hearts, I knew this man was not going to love me any less after cleaning out my car… and he doesn’t. In my heart of hearts, I knew he wouldn’t judge me… and he didn’t.
Did he give me a hard time in a loving and joking way? Of course he did. If he didn’t, I would’ve worried.
I pride myself on being authentic… I pride myself on being an open book.
And today? Today, I realized that some masks are creeping back on….
Today, I admitted that I’ve gone too hard… too fast for the past month and I need to slow down.
And it’s not because I’ve been blogging or because someone saw my dirty car…
But because today, I allowed myself to sit still long enough to hear that small voice…
And that’s something that I’ve not made the time to do…and I need to because….
THAT’S the hill I need to die on…
and I need to know that I am loved… both online and off.. dirty car and all.
Until next time…