I have spent multiple weeks being attacked by the enemy. These attacks have come by way of members of my church, members of my family, friends, strangers, children, adults, etc. Every time I feel that I have risen above it (read: laughed it off and tried to pretend like it doesn’t bother me) another attack would happen.

I have spent the better part of two weeks angry, afraid, bothered, hurt, and every other emotion that you can think of but my motto has always been “fake it til ya make it” which really is just the same thing as telling yourself a lie long enough that you will eventually believe it. A lie is a lie is a lie.

But my God? He’s so funny. Here’s the first thing He showed me today.

I arrived at church in time for Sunday School, as usual, and was trying to figure out what class I wanted to go to. I don’t normally go sit with the teens for Sunday school, but I’ve missed Wednesday nights that last few weeks due to softball, that I thought it would be cool to go and hang with them. But, Matthew was in there this morning as we are acclimating him into Youth and I didn’t think he needed his mother in there.

But I really didn’t want to go to my normal class because they are doing Romans and I did that lesson a month ago in my morning Bible Study. I know that something new might have been revealed to me, but it didn’t matter because the elementary class teacher wasn’t there today and as Pastor Man was frantically searching for the materials, I offered to teach. I thought that because I had been doing so well with the softball team that maybe I could make it as an elementary school sunday school teacher. That and I didn’t have to chose between the teen and adult class.

Perfect, right?

Wrong. I am NOT cut out for the Elementary Sunday School teacher but the lesson that we learned today was that you can’t fool God.

Nice way to start the day.

I laughed and said, “gotcha God. I know, I know, I can’t fool you, but please just let me go on thinking that I am okay and eventually it will be.”

And then there was service in which I was reminded in every single song that He is there for me; that He is an awesome God; that He is my friend.

And what am I doing? Pretending that He doesn’t know that something is wrong. Like I have this secret that I can’t share.

But then? I lost it. I mean, like broke down, lost it.

And it happened at the chorus of this song…

Because He lives, I can face tomorrow,
Because He lives, all fear is gone;
Because I know He holds the future,
And life is worth the living,
Just because He lives!

Oh but it gets better dear ones.

After I got the science fair projects done and completed, I sat down to flip the channels while I waited for Sam to clean up her supplies and I stopped on TD Jakes. I love me some TD Jakes. I don’t know what it is about him, but I could sit and listen to him for hours and never tire.

And in the introduction of his message he said, “it’s about faith, stupid.” I’m sure on any other day, I might have been offended, but not today. Because stupid? It’s exactly what I’ve been.

It’s not about my kids, my car, my family, my job, my church, my friends.

The devil doesn’t want any of those things.

He wants my faith.

He wants everything that I have to cling to so that I falter and join his ranks. He wants to take it away from me.

Well I got news for you Mr. devil….

It’s mine and you can’t have it.

Until next time…

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But first, let me say…

You can blame me for all the rain and storms as I just washed my car…

You can blame me for the spike in gas prices, because I just bought a car that has a bigger gas tank…

You can blame me for your child’s meltdown last night… because, well… we were on a roll.

Now that I have that out of the way, let’s answer some more questions. (And before I forget, I did promise a little prize to one person who asked a question. I’ll leave it open until tonight at midnight and I’ll announce the winner on my last day of questions… that could be tomorrow, it could be Monday, but please keep me busy. I won’t be leaving the house because I can’t afford to… and it’s too wet. And I know… it’s all my fault.)

Sadly, I don’t have a video today. I’m sorry. I’ll try to find some other way to make a complete fool out of myself over the weekend. I’m sure it won’t take long.

FranticallySimple asks:

What’s your kriptonite? …Criptonite? Thing that makes you feel powerless…

It’s Kryptonite, but I don’t take off for spelling. And the only reason that I know this is because Superman was on last night, and I don’t care who you are, Superman? Hot.

But my kryptonite? Hmmm… well there are a few things that just make me powerless. And when I first read this question, the thing that popped in my head first was a kiss. But not just any kiss. You know the kiss that I’m talking about… the one that curls your toes and makes you feel like you’re 5 feet off the ground?

Yeah, that kind.

Plant one one me (men only please) like that and I’m putty in your hands. I’ll even stop talking. Which I’m sure is why some of the men in my past have kissed me, just to shut me up. Whatever, I don’t care. And what I’ve found is that not all men can kiss like that, which is a shame. But the ones that can? Forget it.

And the reason that I say this makes me powerless is because there have been a few guys in my past that I KNEW were wrong for me, and every time I would try to say “see ya wouldn’t wanna be ya” they would kiss me and somehow I couldn’t get those words out of my mouth. Made for some long, drawn out, horrible relationships.

But there are a few other items of kryptonite in my life. My son’s tears. Forget it. If that child cries I want to jump through hoops to make him smile and will stop at nothing to do so. There’s just something about it. Even the BFF went through this while she was here watching my kids. (And she handled it fabulously!) I can’t say this about my daughter’s tears because those happen all.the.time. and she’s a manipulator so I have to stop and determine if they are real or fake. I still hate to see any of them cry, regardless of the reason they are crying. Even if it is because I won’t let her have mountain dew at 10 at night.

And sob stories. I’m a sucker for a sob story. Just ask Soliloquy. I probably shouldn’t tell you this or you’ll all come crying but seriously? Give me a good sob story and I will bend over backwards to help you out, whether I can really afford to or not. I will find a way.

Call me a sucker. It’s okay, I’m aware of this.

Kari says:

Ok, I am totally new to your blog here…so in 5 sentences or less…tell me what is MOST important that I know about you!

5 sentances? Are you serious? These don’t count do they? Of course not, it’s my blog and I will determine when my 5 sentences start… which would be right here.

I am a single mom of two biological children and 15 “adopted” teenagers who try my patience and my faith daily but bring me more joy than anything else in the world. I’m a child of a very humorous God who leads me through life blessing others by way of laughter and through the use of the internet, I’ve been able to bless more people than I could possibly imagine. I’m live my life in the corporate rat race of television sales, while working from home in addition to having a few internet ventures on the side which I call my paid hobbies. I’m a thinker, dreamer, and visionary but I miss the mark when aligning myself with Mother Theresa, Betty Crocker and Martha Stewart which is okay as I’m a firm believer that one day, God will put a man in my life who will fill the role of all three while I sit by the pool sipping margaritas or on my couch eating bon bons. But most importantly, I am a certified dork and I love it that way because while I may have responsibilities of a grown up, and fulfill those responsibilities to the best of my ability, I will never, ever grow up.

That’s 5 sentences. You didn’t say they couldn’t be run ons. I like to tow the line, ya know. Oh and the whole, “find a man to do it all for me” thing? I’m kidding about that. If he just has patience and can assist me in the areas of cooking and cleaning, he’ll be fine. And I’m not a big bon bon fan. And I don’t have a pool. I do, however, LOVE LOVE LOVE margaritas.

Catnip asks:

Hmmm. This is my first time here so I know nothing about you. Tell me what is the one post in your archives I MUST read? (and I will!)

Hmmm… this is a good question and I’m so bad when it comes to these types of questions. It’s like asking me where I want to go for dinner. My ADHD brain kicks in and I can’t determine where because there are so many and I want to go to them all.

But with my posts? About a month ago, I started realizing that there were certain posts that were insanely funny or very deep on my emotions and were difficult for me to write, but showed the true Heather. (That was the dumbest thing I’ve ever said as everything on this blog is the true Heather.) I created “insanity at it’s best” so that I could let new readers know which ones were a must read so they could see the many faces of Heather. So I’m going to go look at that list and determine which one you most definitely HAVE to read.

Ok, I just read all of them again, and I can’t give you one and the reason is simple. Some of them are very serious and some of them are spit-beverage-on-your-computer hysterical, so I have to give you two, and I would love it if you would read both, but if you don’t that’s okay. What’s another hour in therapy?

In the serious category… What Would Have Been…

In the funny category… How To Put on a Funeral… in Pictures

I’m still going back and forth on these, but I have things to do today and I cant be blogging all day. (Ok, I can… but I really shouldn’t!)

Krissi asks:

Well, I wanna know just how desperate you are, and what exactly are your intentions when you find sanity? ‘Cause I personally think INSANE is better than SANE.

I guess it’s all in how you view the words insane and sane. Yes, I like being “insane” when you qualify that as off the wall, goofy, stop at nothing to make people laugh… but there’s that whole “doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results” that I’m trying to avoid.

But there was a reading in a book called Hope For Today that made me define the sanity that I want and this is what it states…

“I longed for balance, for a feeling of normalcy that might help me feel safe and connected to others…I came to believe that God could lead me to a saner way of life. I surrended, asked for help, and relied on my Higher Power to restore me to sanity. The answer to my plea was to learn how to live the Serenity Prayer.”

But the Serenity Prayer that I live by is this.

God, grant me serenity to accept the people I cannot change, courage to change the ones I can and wisdom to know it’s me.

And sanity and serenity coincide with me and this is something else that I love from that same book.

Serenity is…

…a way of life absorbed slowly and practiced one day at a time…perspective…becoming aware of and accepting my many characteristics and not judging what’s “bad” or “good” but what’s useful to keep and what to release…a spiritual journey without a destination…the space between impulse and the action… accepting what is …honoring my feelings without aiming them at someone else or letting them run my life…a gift I choose to give to myself…knowing that what works for someone else may not necessarily work for me… knowing that what works for me may change from moment to moment…understanding I may be powerless, but I’m not helpless…

…realizing my Higher Power does for me what I cannot do for myself… minding my own business… the comfort of knowing I can hold my own hand… balance and relief from black-and-white thinking… understanding that reacting to life and responding to life are not the same thing…deliberate realignment with my Higher Power… feeling at peace with my past.. a matter of internal stability… becoming a complete being with my body and mind in one place at the same time…becoming one with my Higher Power.

As a former member of Al-Anon, that book got me through so much, and truth be told, when I saw this question and those passages popped into my head, I had to go get the book out of the yard sale box. I’m thinking I’ll hold on to it.

So to answer your question, I don’t think I’ll ever find true sanity or serenity, because I do see it as a journey. And yes, I do like being insane… most of the time.

So that’s all for today… or at least for right now…

Next time, we’ll discuss how I balance it all (ha ha), my summer plans, and my writing influences….

I’m sure you’ll want to miss it, but don’t. Because it would hurt and my one hour of therapy here and one hour of therapy there will all add up. And that $20 co-pay still sucks.

Until next time…

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So let’s answer a few more…and I was going to do this tomorrow but Becki and Soliloquy were antsy… because their questions were answered in this one… and because I’m nice, I’ll do it today…

Soliloquy asks:

Being a new believer that found Jesus in the way you did, what advice do you have for believers who are timid in sharing their faith? What offended you? What didn’t offend you? What drew you?

Jesus is all over the internet, you know that don’t you? He works through the internet, oh yes he does. And I have to wonder… do you think that Jesus is a Mac or PC user?

Regardless, yes, it was through the internet that I found my Jesus. Ok, so he wasn’t lost, I just decided not to go looking for him… waiting for Him to come to me. Because I like to play hard to get that way… it’s one of my better qualities. I even have a whole post about “playing the dating game with God” but I can’t flesh it out the way that I want. One day.

And although I fell head-over-heels-in-love with Jesus, I wasn’t quite ready to share how I felt about Him. It’s not that I wanted to hoard him to myself or anything, because I can share, but it was more that I was afraid of being labeled a Jesus Freak or Bible Thumper, both names with negative connotations in my “old world” mind.

And really? For me? I was going through a MAJOR change in my life with this whole God/Jesus/Saved/Church thing… and I was afraid at how people might react.

The short of the story was that Lisa B and I met on the internet through my business and she decided she wanted to be a Biblical Coach and needed some people to practice on. I had always found the Bible to be fascinating and I told her to sign me up. She never offended me. Ever. But I have a pretty open mind.

I started this blog the day I started attending church. So there wasn’t much old Heather out there, but I tip-toed around my faith. There were a few posts here and there that touched on it, but on May 29th, 2007 I proclaimed to the bloggy world that I needed to be more vocal about it. And I have.

Now, since then, I have been to many Christian and non-Christan blogs. I’m offended only by those who are the Christians that would make people say “well if that’s what Christianity is all about I don’t want anything to do with it” and really? They are few and far between. At least from what I’ve seen.

Lisa B wants me to share my testimony here on this blog-o-mine and maybe I will. One Day.

Jenn asks:

i’m guessing by some quick math that you finished your college education after your kids (at least one) were born. i have actually been meaning to write you an email about this because it amazes me and because i am in serious need of inspiration.

how how how did you possibly do that? it is currently a very difficult road for me.

This was not easy. At all. But the answer is, yes, I went back to school, for the 3rd time, when Matthew was 4 and Samara was 18 months.

Notice I said back. I went to college, Boston University to be exact, right after high school. It lasted a semester before I fell in love, dropped out, got knocked up, and married. And yes, in that order.

When I was pregnant with Samara, I did take a class or two because I wanted to go back but then stopped again but when my ex-husband and I split, my parents offered to let the kids and I move in with them and go back to school full time, while I continued to work full time. My dad said that I needed to get a degree and make something of myself so that I could support the kids and give them a decent life.

So I went back to school.

Yes. Work for 40 hours a week, 19-21 credit hours a semester and two children under the age of 5. But I did it. With the help of my parents and through the grace of God. I couldn’t have done this if I didn’t live at home with a phenomenal support system.

The up side to my arrangement was that I got my 4 year degree (another post for another time) in roughly 2.5 years but the downside is that I missed ALOT and I mean ALOT of my kids’ growing up. I’m grateful that my parents were there to help, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world, and I love working from home now so that I don’t have to miss out on any more.

Except, homework. I would like to miss out on homework. And temper tantrums. And meltdowns.

I would love to go back and get my masters degree just to get it. I’m a geek in that I love school, but right now? There’s just no way. I’ll reconsider when (a) my kids are older and don’t require a sitter or a taxi (b) when they are grown and gone or (c) if i one day get married and have the support of my husband.

It was a tough three years, but I wouldn’t trade it for the world and I’d do it all over again. When I divorced, I was making $18k a year and couldn’t afford a car payment, rent, and daycare. The degree has helped me more than triple my annual salary and helped me with my business and my life over all.

Becki asks:

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When I started my blog, I instated a few personal boundaries primarily because this is the internet.  But those boundaries were simply that I would be me, but that I would never post anything that could potentially hurt feelings, be an embarrassment (outside of the normal fun) to anyone, or anything that would jeapordize relationships with people who I am involved with both personally and professionally.

I don’t have a fake name.  I don’t have cutesy nicknames for my children.  We’re an open book and I like that because it’s authentic.  It’s real.  I’m real.  So is my life.  So are my feelings, thoughts and emotions.

And I proudly share them with you.

Not just the good ones either… I’ve shared the bad as well, but never those that would infringe upon the boundaries stated above.

Are there people that I work with that I want to complain about? Oh.my.word… YES!

Are there parents at the school, on the ball field, or in the neighborhood that I want to ream out over my blog. Of course…

Are there people at church that I have severe issues with?  Yes here too….  (Pastor Man, don’t worry, it’s not you.)

Having boundaries and being real are hard to balance and I think that I’ve done a pretty good job at it.  And balance?

It’s not something that I excel in.

But there are days, like today, when I wish this WAS an anonymous blog.  There are days when I wish that no one knew the mother/daughter/sister/parishoner/employee/co-worker/friend/coach behind this blog.  I wish that I could write what I really wanted to, the exact thoughts on my mind, exactly how I am feeling.

But I can’t because it would be a failure on my part to adhere to the boundaries that I set, and for good reason.

But the nice thing about those boundaries… they allow me not to sin in word.  (Let’s set aside the thought part right now… and maybe the deed… but by word?  Oh I would DEFINATELY, beyond a shadow of a doubt, be sinning in word.)

And what I didn’t realize at the time that I implemented those boundaries is that they would save me from this sin, the hurt that I might cause someone, or the can of worms that I could potentially open.

And I am grateful that I can refrain, somewhat from those words.  I am proud that I can use this blog as a testimony of sorts.

But some of these stories about people in my life that I would talk about are so ridicously funny that you would pee your pants, or spit soda out of your mouth, or maybe your nose.  They are just so insane that you would think that I was making it up.  And I so BADLY want to share them with you.  Oh you just don’t know how bad I want to.

But I won’t.

With the tongue we praise our Lord and Father, and with it we curse men, who have been made in God’s likeness. Out of the same mouth come praise and cursing. My brothers, this should not be. James 3:9-10 (NIV)

Because I can’t.  Not in good conscious.  Not with the same mouth that I praise God with.

But I have this whole post crafted in my head.  And it’s funny.  And sad.  It would make you laugh.  And cry.  It would make you angry, but empower you.  It would show my weaknesses and my strengths and how they mesh with those around me.

And if I were to share it?

It would end like this…

SUCKAH!!!!!!!!!!!!

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Sometimes, no, alot of times, I feel like I don’t do anything right.  Sometimes I am just too hard on myself and at other times it’s because of actions or words of other people.  This week?  I’ve been attacked every which way but Sunday and if I didn’t immidately turn these thoughts over to the Big Man, I’m not sure how I would be right now.

Now, don’t get me wrong.  I’ve not been Miss Susie Sunshine all week… just ask my children.  But I’ve not dwelled on it either.  I’ve simply stopped, prayed, and moved on.

But tonight, I needed a little encouragement in the Biblical nature.  I know what my friends tell me.  I know what my loved ones tell me.  But I needed to hear it from a higher source.

I needed to know that at some point in time, this was all going to settle down and life could return to normal…whatever normal is.

In the quiet of my office, with the only light that of my monitors, I began seeking out His encouragement.

It didn’t take me long… as I went to a webpage and these words were put in front of my face…

I’m pressed but not crushed persecuted not abandoned
Struck down but not destroyed
I’m blessed beyond the curse for His promise will endure
And His joy’s gonna be my strength

Though the sorrow may last for the night
His joy comes with the morning

And so now, again, I will lay them down for the joy of the Lord.

and go to bed.  Because the morning will come faster.  And bring the joy with it.  Of course, as we all know, my morning and His morning may be two entirely different times… but I’m also praying for His favor on this one…

Until next time…

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This is the time to focus on the positive things in life and look around at the family and friends that have joined the same road…

We complain about the cross we bear but don’t realize it is preparing us for the dip in the road that God can see and we can’t.

Whatever your cross, whatever your pain,

there will always be sunshine, after the rain….

Perhaps you may stumble, perhaps even fall;

But God’s always ready, to answer your call….

He knows every heartache, sees every tear,

a word from His lips, can calm every fear…

Your sorrows may linger, throughout the night,

But suddenly vanish, dawn’s early light…

The Savior is waiting, somewhere above,

to give you His grace, and send you His love…

God promises a safe landing, not a calm passage.

Until next time…

Heather

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